the Funnelwhich

Washington politicians resign in mass exodus

As the third week of the Red Dawn draws nearer ever since Senator Clinton (John Wilkes Booth) assassinated Senator Obama (Abraham “Log” Lincoln), senators have begun to resign and leave their normally regal duties in an alarming mass exodus. “It’s like rats abandoning a sinking ship,” says Harvey Think, University of Napoleon Bonaparte political analyst.

When questioned, the senators would only skitter and fritter, squeaking awfully to the tune of a million sorrows. “That’s normal,” said Harvey. “We found the English language abandoned the Senate chambers in around 1988 after one senator ended one too many a sentence with a preposition.” He looks away, and something glitters in his eye. “Ever since, it’s been a champion of the people than these old souls that sit upon this graven hill.” Damn descriptivists.

And where are these Senators going? Many of them have disappeared or died as they attempt to integrate with society. Most are run over by cars, unaware of streets and roads. “They’re usually called Asphalt Pathways on the Senate floor due to a mistake made in a 1722 Senate procedure law so most senators cannot navigate roads, highways, or most other ground transportation.” If not run over, most starve, unable to scavenge for food in the circles they walk around Congress, circles that grow increasingly deep and wide as if a gigantic moat is being built separating our legislative branch of government from everybody else.

As such, many senatorial outreach programs have sprung up over the last week dedicated to finding senators in need and reeducating them. Most have exited these programs espousing contrarian and revolutionary views, leading many to suspect these programs to be run by Mob X, notorious underground undergrounder who aims to control such things. Still, it’s a small incident compared to when the Supreme Court justices left on the Strike of 1599. Upon exposure to the salty, sunny air, all the justices exploded violently, letting loose eons and eons of dust upon New Jersey, Massachusetts, Maryland, Virginia, New York, and even as far as Papua New Guinea. Widely believed to have caused the 17th century mini-Ice Age, the senators prompted the immortal Founding Fathers—living on nothing but the froth of the sea—added a clause to the Constitution forcing Supreme Justices to serve out their terms under the penalty of death.

Trapped Utah miners find Narnia

After eight hours without food or water, trapped Utah miners from the Mormon Construction Company began to wander aimlessly about the coal corridors that underlined much of the Southwest America. As they began to feed on the flickering, fluorescent light bulbs, I interviewed them. Says one, “We found a patch of light coming from one corridor. When we went to investigate, we saw a glowing Victorian drawer. Inside was Narnia.” Soon after the miners visited Narnia, they exited through the Victorian drawer inside Granny Antique who lives on West 94th street down by the docks in Massachusetts. “Oh, people are always coming and going,” said Granny Antique. Then she chuckled and gave me cookies smeared with coal. I declined, and she stuffed me into a non-Narnia drawer.

Doctors say Granny Antique is blind, violent, and delusional. Close inspection of the Victorian drawer reveals that it is actually a porpoise. Closer still inspection would reveal that it is not a porpoise but a dolphin-king. When scientists investigate this problem, they are ultimately confronted with the chicken-and-egg problem: Did Computer Science Lewis draw his imagination from the portal that lays beneath the Utah desert or did someone construct this portal from one of the timeless, propagandas that Lewis meticulously wrote with nothing but a Bible and his blood? The dolphin-king may be the key to this entire riddle, but he brays and laughs at all attempts to interview him. And so I must unsheathe my cute-creature harpoon.