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Virginia Tech hires Scooby Doo Gang to resolve bad luck

From the Entertainment Grp with functors death, disney, education, gangs, and tv

After a string of carbon monoxide leaks, tripping, and bell tower antics, Virginia Tech principal Josh Cautious hired the Scooby Doo Gang to inspect for weird paranormal phenomena around campus last week. “We are sick and tired of the fear, all the fear, all the fear coursing up and down the scaly, blood-soaked walls, oh the fear,” said Principal Josh in a phone interview done … without any phones. The Gang Report, released today, ultimately detailed a series of health hazards and architectural anomalies, but no paranormalities.

“This is, like, the most boring place I’ve ever visited, man,” said Shaggy Rogers, official spokesperson for the Scooby Doo Dang. “I find this place in total lack of decorum and paranormal circumstances with which to hang a hat,” intoned Scooby Doo, dropping his normally goofy accent for the press release, thus causing a mob to spay and neuter his British accent and his dignity. “The most exciting thing, gang, that I’ve seen in this place is a termite’s shadow!” exclaimed Fred “Tyrone Killer” Jones, “And Daphne’s sex-spider.” “Jinkies, that’s too much information!” said Andy Moore, audience member. Andy Moore was then booed out of the auditorium as Velma had died only days earlier due to a fatal accident involving ghosts, zombies, and and the truck that ran into her. Moore immediately tripped into a cauldron of dirty plum ego knives.

Morning dawns. Today, Virginia Tech principal Josh Cautious remains disillusioned though he tries to be resolute, blaming the turgid Gang Report on once again Virginia Tech’s bad luck and, of course, video games.

Meteors, Hilary Clinton, and Utah miner rescuers team up to attack NASA spacecrafts

From the Science Grp with functors disney, evil, nasa, revenge, and violence

Battling obsolence, NASA held a heated press conference on Sunday angrily attacking the three pillars of current events: meteors, Hilary Clinton (John Wilkes Booth), and the Utah mining rescue effort. Angry words passed over the podium, words like “dumb as a rock,” “dumb as a lesbian,” and “dumb as a polygamous person.” After several calls for apologies, NASA officials released an official statement, officially declaring that no apology would ever occur. Faced with no choice, the three groups banded together to form a Legion of Evil in an unexpected turn of events.

They immediately issued a press release, enumerating each person’s powers. Meteors: Brute physical strength in addition to fire. Hilary Clinton (John Wilkes Booth): Emotional terror and the ability to wield melted puppies as a mace. Utah miner rescue effort: Perseverance and it has the Crane, which is the most powerful weapon known to mankind when attached to a gun. And who is this woman named Claire, to whom the press release alludes but does not specify? I hope that her superpower is beauty and her hair is long. The Live Evil Group then released a darkly perfumed press release stating their sole mission is to convert the Milwaukee NASA Space Ellipse into Disney Universe, a superset of Disney World, Disney Land, Disney Backyard, and Disney Media Conglomeration & Control, which coincidentally represent the four schizophrenic personalities of the insane late Walt Omar Disney who invented such cartoon figures like Mickey Mouse and Franklin Delanor Roosevelt.

NASA officials, cornered, still refuse to release an apology. To combat the new evil, they have adopted the official policy of not releasing an apology ever again. Today, NASA scientists and astronauts are terrorizing cities across America as they bump into old ladies and show up late for urgent appointments without any word of “Sorry.” to be heard from their chapped, hard lips. Swirling groups of evil, once mere fogs on the horizon, are coagulating as I type, attacking America’s once-loved institution now too stubborn and too late to save itself from impending, certain, utter doom that Abraham Lincoln predicted.

Phillippines compete with Israel and Palestine for most violent place on Earth

From the World Grp with functors darfur, disney, holocaust, ipods, palestine, and violence

After Iraq and Darfur dropped out last week for want of living people to represent them in the International Violentmypics, the Phillippines and the Israeli-Palestines now eye the Gold Cup for the most violent place on Earth after Disney World. Though the Phillippines challenged the I-P team early on for their use of pair countries, The Hague! Court announced that this was indeed fair because they had a lot of weapons and the judges did not. Said one I-P team captain demurely, “I think we’re going to win this thing. I think we’re going to win this thing. I think we’re going to win this thing.” I decided to stop interviewing the I-P team after that, backing slowly away from Coach Dangerous.

The Violentmypics—started in 1999 after the frequent American invasions into Latin American Countries bred an entire generation of cynics and pessimists—champions violence, conflict, and genocide throughout the world. It is widely believed that their museum is much more gloomy and depressing than the American National Holocaust Museum although explorers and scientists have yet to discover that mysterious edifice-complex, undoubtedly hidden somewhere violent or perhaps ironically quiet. Nobody knows, today, where exactly the Violentmypics Museum resides and few want to know. In any case, the Darfur team has consistently won for the past millennia, with Silver Cup being the epicenter of competition and eggnogging but this year’s unexpected forfeit left a power vacuum especially with the simultaneous forfeit by the Iraqis and the Swiss Mafia.

“Sometimes we fear there eventually will not be enough people left alive to play this sacred tradition,” says one Violentmypic official, taking a break from shooting his disgruntled coworkers. “That is why we have diversified our products into not only an international game but a line of video games and plushy toys.” The Super Violentmypic Galaxy game hit into snags, however, this year after its excessive violence left the video game ratings board, NAMBLA, in epileptic seizures. Its fate remains undetermined as do the plushie toys that were recalled after they wiped out the small countries of Guam and Atlantis in 2004-5 and then caused 9/11 in 2006. Today, the Violentmypics remains a threatened relic of the past, unable to promote its once-edgy and now-lame message of violent in today’s hyperviolent world.