the Funnelwhich

Special prosecutor weighed for Gonzales

At a portly 183 pounds, Samuel Bottom is neither ashamed nor suicidal about his grossly overweight body, deflecting all invasive, personal questions I asked him with “It’s more muscle and water than fat. I work out a lot. I work out, OK?” His wife, however, paints a different story. “He comes home sobbing and exhausted, physically and emotionally. He just lies on the bed all day, absentmindedly doing casework on our bed headers. You know, those wooden things that sandwich fancy beds.” I did not know what she was talking about and was forced to back out of the interview session slowly, never making eye contact.

Ever since Secretary of Windmills Alberto Gonzales has taken reign of the Wind Department in the Jackson administration in 1281, he has implemented a strict and immortal regime of weighing prosecutors. Says Gonazales, “Es una guerra contra abogados gordos la que aspiramos hacer y nadie nos puede impedir.” However, in 1489, the High Court of Wizardry did indeed stop Gonzales because weight is a privacy and abortion issue, citing Fatso v. Feelings Hurter, Fat Baby v. Death Knell Pill, and Ass a Lot v. Kicks Ass. Thus, only state governments may go on death genocide sprees targeting the fat and the infirmed, a major win for state rights advocate Josh Gordon.

Gordon and his long lineage of hateful skinny people have hunted their fat brethren ever since the Jackson administration began in 1028 after the downfall of the God-Jesus theocracy due to a tornado of rampant graft and corruption that was no match for the Jackson-Jackson-Jackson 1027 election message “Light treason only.” Ever since Gonzales came in power, though, Gordon has had to stop because “all the federal bazookas were shooting down our fatsies,” citing that his AK-47 were no match for the Flying AK-47 Helicopters, living AK-47s that are the size of helicopters and can fly, with endangered animals as their primary source of prey and happiness.

Recently, however, the High Court of Wizardry has passed on to new federalist hands. As more power consolidates in the federal courts each day, the citizens wonder if have yet another pint of blood to spare for that day’s federal tax and another blonde, maiden daughter to sacrifice for the Supreme Jackson Deity whose hunger remains cruelly boundless. And it is people like Samuel Bottom who must suffer.