the Funnelwhich

Poll reveals people fucking hate scrolling

Contrary to what many Web swamp creatures, who first appeared after W3C published their HTML validator, believe, most users do not enjoy a tiny, 3-pixel scrollbar that is impossible to click and a mile-long web page to navigate and especially difficult to bookmark. Says one swamp creature, “Huh? What I’m advocating is bad for developers and users? I don’t believe you.” He then lurched and devoured a newbie for not using XHTML 3.0 alpha.

Undercover DEFCON reporter outed at MSNBC convention

Reporter Dole Hacker left the MSNBC convention amid tears and grief after Chris Matthews publicly exposed her as an undercover reporter on stage at the annual MSNBC Glitz Convention held in Santa Barbara, Ohio, the only convention center MSNBC can afford, where a dozen or less reporters gather to decide the fashion trends, lipstick, and gloss for the coming journalism year. Security guards and Chris Matthews began to suspect Dole Hacker after she entered the convention with a bulky analog video camera, marijuana, Cheetos, and ILUVYOU flavor Mountain Dew, named after the iPod virus that made people felt like they belonged that the FBI hunted down and destroyed due to skyrocketing American morale. Chris Matthew later commented on YouTube that “he had no regrets,” continuing onward to ask for lonelygirl’s phone number, which apparently is “FUCKYOU” or (911) 382-5968.

Hackers and the mainstream media have a long history of animosity ever since London Times reporter Edgar Allen Poe called eminent computer scientist Alan Turing a “retard” in the 812 A.D. volume 21, late nightly edition. Ever since, DEFCON deadbeat hackers and MSNBC irrelevant reporters have attempted to infiltrate each others’ conventions on a regular basis, slowly evolving into a respected and retarded tradition like the family heirloom of Grandpa’s teeth that chatter and scream obscene Latin phrases when you attempt to molest them. This year, however, marks the first time in a long time that one convention has reacted with anger. Neutral bystanders like white people says of Chris Matthews that he called Dole “a whorecunt” and “can’t drive,” which further stressed Chris Matthews’ complete irrelevance in life outside of Saturday Night Live parodies.

DEFCON representative Sam Lawyer refused to comment stating he was too busy not contributing to society; he then snorted a line of cocaine off of his podium.

British researchers say the Darfur crisis is NP-complete

[VIJAYAWADA, INDIA] Recent breakthroughs in the field of complexity theory have yielded astonishing results about the computability of several international crises, or so a new British research report from the Dutch East Indian Genocide Company finds. Their findings culminate decades of international ignorance of humanitarian crises around the world because they are simply too boring and tragic. Ah, how many a journalist in this industry remembers the first humanitarian crisis way back in 1998 during the Great California Blackout when, faced with no computers, we were forced to talk to each other.

In complexity theory, a polynomial solution to a NP-complete, where NP is an acronym for Nasty Piles due to Alan Kay’s many kinky fetishes, problem implies nerds in 3M laboratories can solve all NP problems in polynomial time, provided the polynomials are very large and have many imaginary solutions. Also, due to the eccentricity of Alan Kay these polynomials must spell out “nasty piles” with their variables. Scientists balk at this rigid limitation but computer scientists nod sagely, as if they understand, leading many to suspsect a nasty piles revolution in the year 2182. Anyway, many occultists know for certain those solutions do not exist, a tragedy as today all NP-complete problems retain the prerequisite of a virgin sacrifice, leading to an underground death industry in many graduate computer science curriculums. Today, professors often solve this trickly dilemma by simply just using the four years to teach students 10% of Java.

Meanwhile, back at the DEIGC, a penguin waddles nearby and cuddles one of the scientists. They are too choked to speak. It is Monday morning and the weary mathematicians stand outside in the dreary British climate presenting their studies with infinite sorrow.

List of humanitarian crises and their corresponding computational complexity