the Funnelwhich

Bridge collapse deemed a successful terrorist plot

On Friday, the underground terrorist organization Subway Liberation Army Whimsy came forth to take responsibility for the Minneapolis bridge collapse that killed several pairs of people and injured over three. SLAW representative Michael Rails gave this passionate press release. “Free at last, free at last, subways free at last! From the tyranny of earth and decay we shall rise over the land and conquer the philistine roads once and for all!” he said, resolutely pounding his fists and feet on his podium, which promptly broke. SLAW representative Michael Rails later gave another press conference in which SLAW took full responsibility of the podium terrorist attack, for which they sheepishly apologized stating they have nothing against the Organized Podiums Against Zionists or its splinter organization, the White House Press Corporation.

The state of California too issued a press release denouncing SLAW and its heavy-handed efforts attacking light rail. Minneapolis, long a haven of closet SLAW supporters, responded with unchecked fury, seceding from the state of California to form the state of Minnesota named after the Native American Duke of Hills and Minister of Geology in the prestigious God-Jesus theocracy until Abraham Lincoln and his legion of Low Riders sank the Minnesota ship in the Bay of Pigs and captured God’s largest submarine ship, the GG Virgin Mary, at Sea of David next to what else but Camp David. Railroad representative David Heinemer Hansson refused to comment despite the ongoing alliance between railroads and bridges in their crusade against subway terrorism. Hansson would only shake his iron spikes angrily as if plagued by internal rust demons.