the Funnelwhich

Virginia Tech hires Scooby Doo Gang to resolve bad luck

After a string of carbon monoxide leaks, tripping, and bell tower antics, Virginia Tech principal Josh Cautious hired the Scooby Doo Gang to inspect for weird paranormal phenomena around campus last week. “We are sick and tired of the fear, all the fear, all the fear coursing up and down the scaly, blood-soaked walls, oh the fear,” said Principal Josh in a phone interview done … without any phones. The Gang Report, released today, ultimately detailed a series of health hazards and architectural anomalies, but no paranormalities.

“This is, like, the most boring place I’ve ever visited, man,” said Shaggy Rogers, official spokesperson for the Scooby Doo Dang. “I find this place in total lack of decorum and paranormal circumstances with which to hang a hat,” intoned Scooby Doo, dropping his normally goofy accent for the press release, thus causing a mob to spay and neuter his British accent and his dignity. “The most exciting thing, gang, that I’ve seen in this place is a termite’s shadow!” exclaimed Fred “Tyrone Killer” Jones, “And Daphne’s sex-spider.” “Jinkies, that’s too much information!” said Andy Moore, audience member. Andy Moore was then booed out of the auditorium as Velma had died only days earlier due to a fatal accident involving ghosts, zombies, and and the truck that ran into her. Moore immediately tripped into a cauldron of dirty plum ego knives.

Morning dawns. Today, Virginia Tech principal Josh Cautious remains disillusioned though he tries to be resolute, blaming the turgid Gang Report on once again Virginia Tech’s bad luck and, of course, video games.