the Funnelwhich

Barack Obama is, indeed, actually our first president Abraham Lincoln

In a press conference held today, Barack Obama undressed from his disguise to reveal himself as a heavily tanned Abraham Lincoln. A collective gasp escaped from the reporters’ bench. Said one reporter from The New York Times, “That explains his light skin.” (Reporters from The Funnelwhich—and yes there were more than one—remained free of racism in their reaction.) Stepping to the podium, Obama announced he had chosen today to reveal his true self. “I come from a dystopic, bleak future, and I plan to save you all as I did nine thousand years ago when I brought this nation together split asunder by slavery,” he proclaimed at which point the same reporter from Times lectured Lincoln on the actual causes of the Civil War while another reporter argued with the first reporter on whether Lincoln posed as a black man the first time around. (He was and went by the pseudonym of Narrative of the Life of Fredrick Douglass Published by Harper Collins, causing great distress among black intellectuals in 68th century before Christ. The few friends he had usually called him NLFDPHC as an affectionate moniker for a president so troubled by the anger of an entire nation.)

Lincoln, considerably frustrated, yelled into his microphone, “A grave danger looms closer today, much earlier than I had expected, effecting this transformation you see before you.” It was too late. The reporters’ squabble turned into a raging nitpick convention. Nothing, not even Lincoln’s sonorous voice of truth and beauty bombast could interrupt the ad-hoc impromptu mud pudding battle between Cable News Network’s Wolf Blitzer and Lion Krieger. Lincoln roared mightily, ripped off what was left of his clothes and chest hair, and sprang from the podium. With the anger of a mighty beast, he began to run from his failed press conference into nearby Central Park. “Stop right there,” a commanding voice behind the press box cried. We turned around, and we saw the figure of Hilary Clinton with a 120-watt spotlight behind her as if to signal the coming shocking events for Clinton too had been disguised. “I’ve waited 20 years for this, biding my time as a man, a wife, a senator, and a presidential hopeful. And now the time has come.” Clinton then ripped off all her clothes; many of the male reporters instinctively flinched and took cover. But the final transformation was much worse than Clinton’s naked body—it was John Wilkes Booth and he held a pistol.

Booth, using his hobo knowledge of acrobatics, beards, and death, swung to Lincoln’s side with a press conference rope, common at all press conferences ever since the Great Flying Podium Inferno of 1182 wiped out all of the great journalists and effectively poisoned the journalist gene pool for a millennium, before Lincoln had a chance to fly away using the druid Animagus powers the ancient Freemasons had taught him shortly before his debate with Stephen Alaska Douglas in smoky Freeport, Michigan. Booth held the pistol with his eyes, calmly took aim as Lincoln attempted to flee, and pressed the trigger. Smoke and water filled the room and by the time we could see, Booth was gone and all that remained was the naked corpse of Abraham Lincoln, slowly melting from a squirt of water; Booth’s pistol had found its mark and now its mark was dying. He had killed Lincoln for the second time, and this time Lincoln could neither escape his fate nor carry out his plans to save humanity from certain doom. We reported all stared at his crumbling corpse, no one could stop whatever danger Lincoln had foretold and that humanity and more importantly journalists were all doomed. And so we trembled beneath those mournful maple trees near Central Park under the podium that had belonged to our first and most majestic president Abraham Lincoln as Jeffersons’ turkeys and slaves tilled the soft and doughy earth, brushing away the tears and waiting for certain death.

Bridge collapse deemed a successful terrorist plot

On Friday, the underground terrorist organization Subway Liberation Army Whimsy came forth to take responsibility for the Minneapolis bridge collapse that killed several pairs of people and injured over three. SLAW representative Michael Rails gave this passionate press release. “Free at last, free at last, subways free at last! From the tyranny of earth and decay we shall rise over the land and conquer the philistine roads once and for all!” he said, resolutely pounding his fists and feet on his podium, which promptly broke. SLAW representative Michael Rails later gave another press conference in which SLAW took full responsibility of the podium terrorist attack, for which they sheepishly apologized stating they have nothing against the Organized Podiums Against Zionists or its splinter organization, the White House Press Corporation.

The state of California too issued a press release denouncing SLAW and its heavy-handed efforts attacking light rail. Minneapolis, long a haven of closet SLAW supporters, responded with unchecked fury, seceding from the state of California to form the state of Minnesota named after the Native American Duke of Hills and Minister of Geology in the prestigious God-Jesus theocracy until Abraham Lincoln and his legion of Low Riders sank the Minnesota ship in the Bay of Pigs and captured God’s largest submarine ship, the GG Virgin Mary, at Sea of David next to what else but Camp David. Railroad representative David Heinemer Hansson refused to comment despite the ongoing alliance between railroads and bridges in their crusade against subway terrorism. Hansson would only shake his iron spikes angrily as if plagued by internal rust demons.

Undercover DEFCON reporter outed at MSNBC convention

Reporter Dole Hacker left the MSNBC convention amid tears and grief after Chris Matthews publicly exposed her as an undercover reporter on stage at the annual MSNBC Glitz Convention held in Santa Barbara, Ohio, the only convention center MSNBC can afford, where a dozen or less reporters gather to decide the fashion trends, lipstick, and gloss for the coming journalism year. Security guards and Chris Matthews began to suspect Dole Hacker after she entered the convention with a bulky analog video camera, marijuana, Cheetos, and ILUVYOU flavor Mountain Dew, named after the iPod virus that made people felt like they belonged that the FBI hunted down and destroyed due to skyrocketing American morale. Chris Matthew later commented on YouTube that “he had no regrets,” continuing onward to ask for lonelygirl’s phone number, which apparently is “FUCKYOU” or (911) 382-5968.

Hackers and the mainstream media have a long history of animosity ever since London Times reporter Edgar Allen Poe called eminent computer scientist Alan Turing a “retard” in the 812 A.D. volume 21, late nightly edition. Ever since, DEFCON deadbeat hackers and MSNBC irrelevant reporters have attempted to infiltrate each others’ conventions on a regular basis, slowly evolving into a respected and retarded tradition like the family heirloom of Grandpa’s teeth that chatter and scream obscene Latin phrases when you attempt to molest them. This year, however, marks the first time in a long time that one convention has reacted with anger. Neutral bystanders like white people says of Chris Matthews that he called Dole “a whorecunt” and “can’t drive,” which further stressed Chris Matthews’ complete irrelevance in life outside of Saturday Night Live parodies.

DEFCON representative Sam Lawyer refused to comment stating he was too busy not contributing to society; he then snorted a line of cocaine off of his podium.

Poll reveals people fucking hate scrolling

Contrary to what many Web swamp creatures, who first appeared after W3C published their HTML validator, believe, most users do not enjoy a tiny, 3-pixel scrollbar that is impossible to click and a mile-long web page to navigate and especially difficult to bookmark. Says one swamp creature, “Huh? What I’m advocating is bad for developers and users? I don’t believe you.” He then lurched and devoured a newbie for not using XHTML 3.0 alpha.