the Funnelwhich

Black economist Tyrone Numbers blames black children for pushing him over

Neighbors of usually mild-mannered Tyrone Numbers were shocked last Sunday morning to hear him scream obscenities from his house, which interrupted their reading of The Funnelwhich, which is a newspaper published every Sunday. Upon investigation, Mr. Numbers was cursing at and ranting about the local primarily black pre-adolescent gang “Death from the Fifth Grade,” which had once again TP’d his garden and his cat. As his cat mewed quietly, I sat down to talk with the angry Mr. Numbers.

“Those kids hate me because they think I’m an Uncle Tom, doing economics work,” he said. Upon questioning, he revealed that Uncle Tom was a literary allusion. At first I thought it meant “nerd.” Mr. Numbers assured me this was not the case until I forced him to say it was via what we journalists call the Wedgie Method. “Those kids harass me every week. I’ve had it with their behavior. They pushed me over last week while I was getting the mail, and I nearly tripped into White Power Bill.”

Of course, community leaders were quick to intercept. Says Reverend Church, “I don’t see how this is anything but society’s fault. Obviously these children’s parents have failed them, and we should blame them. Wait, are their parents black too? Maybe it’s not their fault. I think it’s my fault.” Then he cackled and drank his pudding cup, which he threw out of the nursing home he resided. (We are legally obligated to inform you that Reverend Church is not a reverend but a two-time felon.) PTA leader Maggie Mom says, “I think Mr. Numbers is playing the hasty race card because he can’t deal with the fact that he’s an Uncle Tom.” Other PTA moms agreed, drawing their conclusion from a lifetime of harsh words and slanders that comes with the job of being a parent-teacher, a nebulous and hybrid form of human that takes several years of practice to perfect with very few rewards to reap and showcase afterward.

Says White Power Bill, “White power!” And then he flew away.

Special prosecutor weighed for Gonzales

At a portly 183 pounds, Samuel Bottom is neither ashamed nor suicidal about his grossly overweight body, deflecting all invasive, personal questions I asked him with “It’s more muscle and water than fat. I work out a lot. I work out, OK?” His wife, however, paints a different story. “He comes home sobbing and exhausted, physically and emotionally. He just lies on the bed all day, absentmindedly doing casework on our bed headers. You know, those wooden things that sandwich fancy beds.” I did not know what she was talking about and was forced to back out of the interview session slowly, never making eye contact.

Ever since Secretary of Windmills Alberto Gonzales has taken reign of the Wind Department in the Jackson administration in 1281, he has implemented a strict and immortal regime of weighing prosecutors. Says Gonazales, “Es una guerra contra abogados gordos la que aspiramos hacer y nadie nos puede impedir.” However, in 1489, the High Court of Wizardry did indeed stop Gonzales because weight is a privacy and abortion issue, citing Fatso v. Feelings Hurter, Fat Baby v. Death Knell Pill, and Ass a Lot v. Kicks Ass. Thus, only state governments may go on death genocide sprees targeting the fat and the infirmed, a major win for state rights advocate Josh Gordon.

Gordon and his long lineage of hateful skinny people have hunted their fat brethren ever since the Jackson administration began in 1028 after the downfall of the God-Jesus theocracy due to a tornado of rampant graft and corruption that was no match for the Jackson-Jackson-Jackson 1027 election message “Light treason only.” Ever since Gonzales came in power, though, Gordon has had to stop because “all the federal bazookas were shooting down our fatsies,” citing that his AK-47 were no match for the Flying AK-47 Helicopters, living AK-47s that are the size of helicopters and can fly, with endangered animals as their primary source of prey and happiness.

Recently, however, the High Court of Wizardry has passed on to new federalist hands. As more power consolidates in the federal courts each day, the citizens wonder if have yet another pint of blood to spare for that day’s federal tax and another blonde, maiden daughter to sacrifice for the Supreme Jackson Deity whose hunger remains cruelly boundless. And it is people like Samuel Bottom who must suffer.

NASA concludes alcohol investigation, says astronauts were “high on life”

After extensive reviews and interviewing, NASA has concluded the astronauts riding the C400 missile were “high on life” and “posed no risk to the aircraft, which was worth twice their life savings combined.” NASA’s investigation started after routine C400 missile launches and landings exhibited larger and larger wobbles until its motor crooned and had to be petted into a state of relaxation by NASA’s official missile whisperer.

NASA’s 405-page report documents the astronauts’ increasing exhilaration at escaping from their family for periods of six months along with the romantic sexual freedom space travel provides. Says one anonymous astronaut Mary Kann, “The stars out there make me feel tingly. Oh yeah, all tingly inside.” before she began to uncomfortably grope the interviewer. NASA has long struggled with space sex ever since Neil Armstrong copped a feel from Buzz Lightyear in their movie Apollo 9, which documented their ongoing efforts to fight the Greek God not with violence but astrophysics. Eventually, the resorted to violence after Lightyear discovered Apollo had not fireproofed his bow with asbestos as NASA had done with their astronaut suits, just in case any emergency landings on the Sun had to be done.

NASA’s report went on to excerpt from the Kamasutra, a 19th century novel written by Charles Dickens that revealed the sordid life of orphan pornography rings whose creeds of “Abelian to the max.” transgressed law and human morality. Ostensibly, NASA’s report is designed to further stimulate and arouse, raising questions among NASA watchdogs like PLUTO (Pluto Likes Uranus; Train Orgasm) on whether NASA is dedicated at all to combating these missile joyrides that, as each day passes, bring back fewer and fewer clouds. For CBS News, this is Rusty Jacobs.