Other books unhappy with Harry Potter glory[RATANGARH, INDIA] Books everywhere, from Vanity Fair to Mary Ashley & Kate Kick Bad Guy Nuts, have united in outrage over the accolades readers have rewarded to Harry Potter. Says The Pickwick Papers, which represents the Dickens Union, “We were promised increase book readings across the board. What did we get? These stupid promotional Harry Potter Voldemort action figures!” To stress his point, he then squeezed Voldemort, producing a sort of bile from the plastic nipples, bile that dripped onto my black and white and waddling shoes. Indeed, library checkouts of ordinary books have dropped by 3% since 2000, while Harry Potter has increased steadily by 2% per year, says Statisticks and Numericks About Libraries, whom I also interviewed. When reached, the International Literature Council, currently headed by humans for the first time in three centuries since the Adobe buyout, refused to respond. They would only ominously speak of a day when all books would be gone and only electronic memory disks would be needed, disks that were compatiable with your 8-in-1 card readers and government databases. Also, eBooks. Marsh environmentalists protest at penguin deaths[HARSAWA, INDIA] Several environmentalists emerged from their swampy, Eastern Europe hidings today to protest the deaths of over five penguins at the hands of scared Palestinians. Said one in a thick, Slavic accent, “We do not approve of how our leaders place religion and politics over the well-being of the environment we lived in.” They took to the streets in their dripping wet clothes, carrying protest signs made long before the dawn of this century, some with antiquated messages such as “Save the dodo.” or “Where is this Germanic bus going?” As they made the slow crossing from Eastern Europe to the Middle East, they walked wearily and tiredly as if they knew this was their last time on Earth, as if they knew what was going to the happen in the future, these old souls that had chosen to align themselves with one of the four elements. They could not stop for barbecue, though the young Armenian man offered them it. They could not stop for Harry Potter, though the Georgian girl offered them tickets. They could not stop for the sorrow in their heart pressed them onwards into the great desert city on a hill, beneath a mountain, and near a river of trash and pollution. Upon reaching Palestine, they were trampled by the happy mob. One survivor reported the chaos and tragedy later that day as he sat in the cool awning of a Middle Eastern Starbucks, reading the literary magazine Starbucks, which sold a special coffee stained edition at Starbucks that covered the Starbucks region and had a recent Starbucks article. He pointed to the Starbucks stained Starbucks Starbucks “Starbucks’” Starbucks retraction and uttered, “This is the type of reporting journalists today embrace, empty of Nature and beauty.” He sipped his mint hot chocolate as the long, swampy tears filled with moisture of ancestors past swirled into a brown darkness and breathed for a long time. |
British researchers say the Darfur crisis is NP-complete[VIJAYAWADA, INDIA] Recent breakthroughs in the field of complexity theory have yielded astonishing results about the computability of several international crises, or so a new British research report from the Dutch East Indian Genocide Company finds. Their findings culminate decades of international ignorance of humanitarian crises around the world because they are simply too boring and tragic. Ah, how many a journalist in this industry remembers the first humanitarian crisis way back in 1998 during the Great California Blackout when, faced with no computers, we were forced to talk to each other. In complexity theory, a polynomial solution to a NP-complete, where NP is an acronym for Nasty Piles due to Alan Kay’s many kinky fetishes, problem implies nerds in 3M laboratories can solve all NP problems in polynomial time, provided the polynomials are very large and have many imaginary solutions. Also, due to the eccentricity of Alan Kay these polynomials must spell out “nasty piles” with their variables. Scientists balk at this rigid limitation but computer scientists nod sagely, as if they understand, leading many to suspsect a nasty piles revolution in the year 2182. Anyway, many occultists know for certain those solutions do not exist, a tragedy as today all NP-complete problems retain the prerequisite of a virgin sacrifice, leading to an underground death industry in many graduate computer science curriculums. Today, professors often solve this trickly dilemma by simply just using the four years to teach students 10% of Java. Meanwhile, back at the DEIGC, a penguin waddles nearby and cuddles one of the scientists. They are too choked to speak. It is Monday morning and the weary mathematicians stand outside in the dreary British climate presenting their studies with infinite sorrow. List of humanitarian crises and their corresponding computational complexity
“At long last the terror of Ashton Kutcher is gone”[COW, INDIA] In the small town of Lightsville, Colorado, a small town is breathing relief after the MTV series Punk’d ends its four-year reign of terror in this small town. A quiet town that sits on the edge of the majestic Rockies, it was once a booming railroad station until the robot horses replaced the locomotive. But unbeknownst to the rest of America, Lightsville has undergone a daily regimen of terror ever since 2003. Town elder Francis Arthur recounts how it started. “We were all minding our business one day when a limousine pulled up to our general pharmacy. This young, loud kid with this crazy haircut got out and stood here, his hand twirling some punk gun. “He starts yelling, demanding a mineral water and some vodka. Our pharmacists and our mayors have to go to him and calm him down. Apparently he was shooting some kind of big movie over by Granite and he had gotten lost even with his GPS navigation. “So we got him some sodas and that seemed to calm him down until one our children stumbled over asking for an autograph. Mr. Kutcher starts snorting and laughing. ‘Why would I ever give an autograph to you, you stupid kid?’ he said. ‘You’re nobody!’ Eventually he laughed so hard he spilled some soda on his windbreaker. That’s when he started getting really mad.” According to Mr. Arthur, Ashton Kutcher began to yell, “I will break this motherfucking town with my motherfucking cock and I will shove it up this collective asshole with my gigantic dildo of a cowshit motherfucking hentai cum senile asshole smegma.” And he drove off. This was 2002. The town did not hear from Kutcher until 2003 when rumor has it that Kutcher developed a new TV show, originally named Revenge Has It and then Revenge’s It and then Punk’d. The premise was to go around and prank celebrities but little did America know that Kutcher specifically intended to target Lightsville. “He would put flatulence disks on our chairs that were permanently glued so everybody kept passing gas. He stole the kid’s bicycle and replaced it with one that had the brakes cut. The kid died crashing into a moving car, which we suspect Kutcher drove, because it also ran over the kid’s pet penguin, which had just given birth to a litter of cubs. He installed electric tripwires in our houses that would trip and shock people at the same time. Also, he burned our houses and raped everybody.” When Lightsville attempted to contact the highest authority in the land—Dateline’s “Are You A Rapist? Well, Are You?” segment—they received no response and MTV personally filed hush papers over the entire case so that nobody heard from Lightsville until now. Eventually America’s ADD conscience passed over the town’s plight, and they suffered quietly and continuously for four years. One day, in 2007, Kutcher mysteriously disappeared. Today, the town rises in the morning tentatively, stepping around the tripwires and flatulence disks. It is another Kutcher-free day, and so they breathe easily as their hopes are vindicated. Emma Watson grows more emotionally distant[QUILON, INDIA] Following in the steps of her Harry Potter co-star Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson has become increasingly aloof and contemptuous of both costars Radcliffe and Grint. Says Daniel, “I offered her an apple one day during a shooting, and she threw it back at me. Then I cursed her with a Paralysis spell and forced her to eat the apple until the director finished cackling and told me to stop.” Daniel paused and then whispered, “I’m gonna kill that fucking director.” Then he exposed his bare chest and offered me tickets to his new play Naked People Doing Very Adult Things. And Also Did We Mention There Are Guns? in which Radcliffe produced, directed, and acted. When contacted, Emma Watson’s new agent released a statement stating that Watson is attempting to “try out new things” in an effort to distance herself from the successful Harry Potter franchise. “Rather than being seen as Hermione her entire acting career, Emma would prefer that people see her as the actor who plays Hermione but is, in reality, a jeak—as all adults are.” Although Watson’s new agent has yet to be photographed, many fans of Emma Watson recently spotted a looming, shadowy figure hovering behind her at the MTV Movies Chosen by Harsh Teenagers Awards that, after Watson reportedly squealed excitedly, placed a bony hand on her shoulder and clamped and shook its head. When asked about the specter in a recent E! Loud Entertainment interview, Emma Watson would only shake her head sadly, as if she had made a mistake like the Native Americans did when they sold the Louisiana Purchase to Secretary of Land Nicholas Jackson in the 15th century. When asked if her new agent had affected her acting performance, Emma Watson would only mention that all her scenes in the upcoming Harry Potter and Hey, We Can Just Shoot The Wanded Bad Guys movies involve her crying, even when she is kissing Daniel Radcliffe, creating a very salty kiss. The films’ editors could not be reached for comment according to a statement released by Warner Brothers. They are busy creating a CGI replica of Emma Watson with no additional physical enhancements except for the lack of tear ducts. Harry Potter and The Morality Play can be seen in theaters nationwide July 2007. It is rated S for Same Old. Penguins storm Palestine churches[BIDAR, INDIA] Today, an armory of tropical penguins stormed Palestinian mosques and temples after a long march from the Ural Sea. Unfortunately, they had bought fetching fez hats in Lebanon previously. Nervous Palestinians, expecting another bomb attack, mistook the penguins for walking, swimming bombs. Palestinians ran outside the church only to find actual suicide bombers. Later, everyone gathered to joke and laugh about the day except the penguins, who had been mercilessly trampled by the mob rush. |